I heard these lyrics in my head...

Can't even count how many doubts their words have caused me.

But no matter what they said I could never be...

It's not on my own that I overcome adversity.

'Cuz when I follow Your Spirit, Your passion and zeal...

Causes me to fulfill

Your plan for my destiny!

Unsatisfied

Deuteronomy 2:7:  For the LORD thy God hath blessed thee in all the works of thy hand: he knoweth thy walking through this great wilderness: these forty years the LORD thy God hath been with thee; thou hast lacked nothing.

The children of Israel complained when they were in the wilderness. They murmured because all they could focus on was their lack. They felt they deserved better. Yes, they are God’s chosen people, yet whom ever told them they deserved it?
When they were in the desert they began to lose focus on where God wanted to take them. Who God wanted  them to become…a strong nation. God wanted to give them their own land. He wanted them to take possession of it as a sign of who they were.
Instead of focusing on all that God wanted them to possess, all they could see was what they didn’t possess. They couldn’t believe in the Lord’s promise to bring them to it. In the middle of their trial, God supplied their needs and all the while, they thought they were entitled to more. God knew what they needed and that was all…it was enough, but they became unsatisfied with it and complained.

Prayer:
How may times Lord, have I failed to trust that You’d supply all my needs? How many times have I thought I deserved more than what You’ve given to me? How many times have I insulted You and been unsatisfied? Could it be God, maybe You haven’t given me some things because I am not grateful for what I already have? Maybe I’m simply not yet ready for it? Maybe I think too highly of myself and think I ought to have better than what You‘ve given? I am reminded of how well You know me. You know what I need and what I am capable of deserving. Whatever it is, change my heart to receive with gratitude my lot in this life. For I know that I have a hope for so much more with You in Eternity. Amen.

The other day, I cried out to the Lord because I sensed a growing discontent in my soul and I wondered why. I felt like I wasn’t going forward in anyway. All I could see were roadblocks and “under construction” signs impeding my progress. The Lord answered and spoke to my heart, “ It’s not the time to press forward, but it is the time to press in to Me.”
I don’t know about you, but sometimes I feel if I’m not “doing” something for the Lord, I’m not being all I could be. Yet the Lord calls us to be still and know that He is God and it is in His timing that all things come to pass. The resting part, the pressing into Him is the thing that He’s using to shape us into the vessel that is ready for Him to pour into. Satan will come and tempt us into taking matters into our own hands and make things happen in our own strength. But God said, “Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit, says the LORD of hosts.”  - Zechariah 4:6

Sometimes, God blocks the way. Sometimes, He is silent. Sometimes, He steps back. It’s not always a punishment. But He disciplines those He loves. In other words, this is God’s proving ground.
It is difficult when you cannot feel His presence. It is difficult when all you have is a promise to hold onto and nothing more. It is difficult when all you see is desert before you and not a single place of refuge or refreshing. That’s when doubts creep in and we forget about the goodness of our GOD. We must command our souls to: “Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits!” - Psalm 103:2
Our God is still Good! No matter where we are at, He is still in control! And nothing can or will ever separate us from His love!

Psalm 84:1-11 “For the choir director: A psalm of the descendants of Korah, to be accompanied by a stringed instrument. How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty. I long, yes, I faint with longing to enter the courts of the LORD. With my whole being, body and soul, I will shout joyfully to the living God. Even the sparrow finds a home there, and the swallow builds her nest and raises her young -- at a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God! How happy are those who can live in your house, always singing your praises. Interlude. Happy are those who are strong in the LORD, who set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs, where pools of blessing collect after the rains! They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.  O LORD God Almighty, hear my prayer. Listen, O God of Israel. Interlude. O God, look with favor upon the king, our protector! Have mercy on the one you have anointed. A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else! I would rather be a gatekeeper in the house of my God than live the good life in the homes of the wicked. For the LORD God is our light and protector. He gives us grace and glory. No good thing will the LORD withhold from those who do what is right.”

How do you respond when God is silent? When it seems His presence has withdrawn?
Can He trust you with it? Will you praise Him with a grateful heart? Will you sing love songs to Him even if you can’t hear from Him? Will you allow Him to grow your roots down deep into the soil of His love as you press into Him deeper and deeper?

Psalm 63:1 “O God, thou art my God; early will I seek thee: my soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is; To see thy power and thy glory, so as I have seen thee in the sanctuary. Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee. Thus will I bless thee while I live: I will lift up my hands in thy name. My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness; and my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips:”

God has recently reminded me of the time I was driving the U-Haul through New Mexico on my way from California to Texas. So many things were going wrong when doubt and fear began to creep in. As I pushed back these thoughts of fear, doubt and failure, I cried out to the Lord, and He heard me!

Out of nowhere, came dark clouds settling around the canyons…then thunder…and lightning! Then it began to rain. It was beautiful, but not as beautiful as what I saw next: A rainbow! The colors were so bright, and I could see where it began and where it ended. It hung in that New Mexico sky amidst the dark clouds like a banner as if my God was saying: “I LOVE YOU! FEAR NOT! I HAVE NOT ABANDONED YOU! I AM WITH YOU! BE STILL AND KNOW I AM GOD.”  

Beautiful Scars

 ~ G.M.

When God heals a scar on our heart, He makes it stronger and thicker as He mends things together.

What the Lord makes whole doesn’t always look pretty.

Yet it always reflects the perfection of the Lord.

Things are not always as they appear.

Physical scars can be softened by the skill of a surgeon,

But the Lord is the Surgeon who heals mental, emotional and spiritual scars completely.

He is not concerned about how they look when He’s done because true beauty runs deep.

He’s more concerned that we wear them proudly.

Unashamed of their story.

My Testimony

I wanted to start out by sharing my testimony of how I came to know Jesus Christ. How I know He is GOD and is alive, living in me. His life works in me and through me.
GOD has delivered me from a painful childhood...GOD has delivered me from later mistakes that reflected upon that painful childhood. For so long I was stuck in the past. I couldn’t move forward. I was trying to live life as that lost, lonely, hurting little girl. The things I suffered as a child deeply affected me. Yet there was always something or Someone preserving me through it. I was a very sensitive kid and everything affected me more than most. Now, God uses that sensitivity to feel the pain of others and I thank Him for it.
Before surrendering my life to Jesus Christ, I have made many, many stupid choices, which had very painful consequences. Nevertheless, GOD redeemed them all. It all didn’t happen overnight. Healing is a long, uncomfortable process. I found out the hard way, that the process is much easier when Jesus Christ is our Lord, not only our Savior. Then, when we have fully yielded to Him, we can go forward in our recovery as the person God destined us to be.
I know I am still a work in progress. Yet I remember how far He has brought me! I choose to keep my focus on being totally remade in His image. I can never give up! I know I am not the only one that has had a troubled childhood. Yet how many of us are still re-living the pain of it? How many of us are still trying to be understood? How many of us are still struggling to fill a void in our life with earthly relationships instead of a relationship with Our Creator?
With everything I have been through, comes thankfullness to God. He is the One Who has brought me through many deep and troubled waters and I am grateful to Him. He did for me what I could not do for myself. He has given me Beautiful Grace for Ashes of Despair. For it is only by His Beautiful Grace that I can minister to the child that has been abused physically and emotionally. It is only by Beautiful Grace that I can minister to the parent who has abused their child. It is because I once was that abuser. GOD has brought me from hurting my own child, to someone He can use to heal a child. The Lord Jesus has changed me completely and exchanged the hands that caused so much pain to hands that heal and comfort.
Therefore, it is by the Beautiful Grace of God that I can reach out and touch those who have made a mess of their life and are ready to give up. It’s by Beautiful Grace that I can understand where the angry, the condemned, and the fearful persons are coming from. It’s by Beautiful Grace that I can understand self-loathing and suicide as a way out. By the Beautiful Grace of God, I can be there for a woman who is abused by her husband.
God has given me a heart for the lonely, the outcast and the forgotten. He has given me a heart for the alcoholic, the drug abuser, the rebellious teenager and the one bound by sexual immorality. God has given me a heart for every single one of these I have mentioned because I was once like all of them.

It was in a jail cell in 1987 where I said “yes” to Jesus Christ, answering the wooing of His gentle love. I was in jail for child endangerment. Another cellmate led me to the Lord. She was in there because of a ticket! I know God sent her there for me. At that time, I was pregnant with my second child. All I wanted to do was die. That was the only way I thought I could help my children. I thought I could save them from my bad temper. But when this woman started to speak to me about Jesus, I felt an overwhelming warmth and peace come over me. It felt like being snuggled by my Grandma’s hugs. Suddenly I could see exactly what He was trying to say to me all the time. I felt His presence again and this time I did not want to lose it! I knew that He was my only hope. So, I came running to Him. I have never regretted my decision to follow Him since.

Some years before, at the age of 14, I kept running away from my father’s home because I couldn’t take the turmoil there anymore. I wanted something better for my life and my two brothers. Since I refused to go home, I became a ward of the court and was placed into foster care. It was at my second foster home that I started going to church. Although I was raised in the Mormon Church, this one was different. Being 14 and hardheaded, I was told that if I agreed to live in in my new foster home, going to church on Sunday was mandatory. At first, I didn’t like it, but soon I didn’t mind and sometimes even looked forward to it. I got a kick out of the Pastor. I tolerated it all mostly because I could sleep through the services. This was something I could never do in a Mormon Church! Flo, my foster mother at the time, just let me doze. She’d say, “I know the Word of God will get into her spirit.”
Of course, I had to wake up at the end of the service and there was an altar call every time. I dreaded THAT part. You know that mushy feeling that I mentioned before? The one that felt like Grandma was hugging me? Well, it was at that church when I was 14, that I first felt the presence of God. It was God’s love drawing me to Him but I couldn’t go. I didn’t understand. It felt like something I needed but I felt more as if I needed to be in control. I felt that same feeling at times with Flo and Mike, my foster dad, but it was stronger at the church altar calls. I didn’t like the peace or the lovey dovey feeling that came whenever they had the altar call. It felt like if I gave in, I’d suddenly be undone and lose control over myself and that simply wasn’t gonna happen! I had rebellion in my heart.
Flo had a gift to sing and when she sang, God’s presence was there. She sang the gospel and used to go to different churches to sing and to minister. Funny thing is that I felt that same mushy feeling at almost every church! Not only that, people at those churches would come up to meet Flo and sometimes would turn to me and say things like “God has a calling for your life.” That startled me…I was beginning to believe it was true in my heart of hearts, but I still could not accept it. Finally, at 17, I ran away from my foster home…a place where I had some stability, a Dad and a Mom, and lots of love. There were things I was doing like partying, listening to Heavy Metal music…but that wasn’t enough for me.
I decided there was more out there for me and I was gonna try it….so I ran away and they let me go.
Being 17, I was still in the foster system so they sent me to another home in another city, in a bad part of town. A Christian home but a lot less “strict”. Soon after I moved in, I was taking a walk alone somewhere and I could feel the presence of God (that mushy feeling) well, I became angry and verbally spoke something like this: “LEAVE ME ALONE. I know You’re calling me but I’m not ready. There are things I wanna do. I’m not ready to serve You now.” At that, His presence was gone. I no longer felt that wooing anymore. I was relieved and promptly began doing the very things I wanted to do and more. My troubles became worse and worse. I tried to pull myself up out of hard times…but I never had the strength to do it alone. I called home once or twice and yes, they came to my rescue but soon, I was back doing my own thing.
Every time I left home, things got worse and worse. My life spiraled out of control to the point where I was in the darkest place I had ever been…in a jail cell. I was pregnant with my second child. My 1 year old was with her grandmother. I felt like I didn’t deserve her. I felt like a horrible monster….like I was warped and permanently marred. I felt like she deserved a better mother. But I was so out of control, I could see no way out. If it weren’t for the life inside of me, I truly would have taken my own. I believe God planned it like that. He knew I needed to get to my lowest point in order to see my need for Him. I needed to surrender my pride and admit that I needed His Love.
From the moment I said “Yes” to Jesus Christ as my Savior, my life started to change. I was released from jail within a week. The judge heard my testimony and because I was the one who actually turned myself in for child abuse, she let me go on the grounds that I was to pay a fine. I was also ordered to go to counseling and do community service for six months. About two weeks after being released from jail, GOD released me from paying the fine, going to counseling and community service. My baby was returned to me and the physical abuse stopped yet I wasn't perfect. I still had issues that took time to be worked out. I was hungry for the Word, so I began reading the Bible I got from jail. I read it all day, everyday. The more I read, the more I learned and the more I was changing.

I used to have nightmares all the time. However, when I became born again, they were gone. Except for one, after I became a Christian. I’m only sharing it to illustrate that Satan is real too. He is the enemy of our souls. One should not underestimate him. Once you make Jesus Christ your Master, Satan will suddenly come at you in hopes of you giving up and turning your back on the Lord. No matter what the circumstances that surround you, if you are a Child of the Most High, to you he is a DEFEATED foe!

This is the dream I had. I still remember it clearly: I was alone on a stormy night looking for shelter. I found this large, old, abandoned farmhouse and ran into it. There was a huge fireplace and a great hot fire was going. There was a comfortable old couch with some blankets on it. I curled up and felt at peace. Just as I began to fall asleep there in safety, suddenly the thunder outside grew louder and the storm outside became fierce. I made sure all the windows were closed but the storm was raging so I ran back to the couch and began to grow fearful. Then, with a very loud crash of thunder, the fire went out and a large bolt of lighting came through the fireplace. An angry voice came from it saying: “I WILL NEVER LET YOU GO!”
Well, I'm here to testify that ever since I had that dream, GOD has never let me go! Satan only meant to scare me. What the enemy of my soul meant for evil, the Lover of my soul turned around for Good! Now God speaks to me through my dreams and shows me many things about Himself. Satan can no longer torment me through them because he is no longer my master.
Since becoming a Christian, my life hasn’t been a bowl of peaches and cream. It has been hard and there have been many struggles. As long as I stay close to Him, I am safe. Whenever I want to do things my way, I’m in trouble. Nevertheless, He is always forgiving and merciful and He is always there to pick me up again and set my feet back on that firm foundation. The Christian life comes with new challenges as you learn to walk in the path of righteousness. There are many tests and trials, but they all are designed to make us stronger and stronger. Pretty soon, we begin to see a difference in ourselves and so can others.
Yes, there has been a long process of undoing the past…along with bad choices come unpleasant consequences. Yet GOD in His Grace is able to help us while dealing with them. I thank God for my troubles now because I understand that they are for my good and the good of others. I know He will deliver me out of them ALL and use me to comfort another. He is still faithful when things aren’t going our way and yes, He still loves us and has not left us! Being a Christian will never be easy but it is worth it! I would never go back to doing things my way. As you have read, it wasn’t working for me.
I share these things with you in hopes that you will gain the courage, in spite of everything, to put your trust in Jesus Christ and accept His Love! Accept Him as Savior and Lord! He will be the best Friend you've ever had.
If you are a Christian and are weary, I encourage you to come to Jesus with all your stuff and drop it on His Lap. He loves you just how you are and wants to carry you through. Never give up on the One who gave it all for you!
As bad as my life was it was not as bad as Hell would’ve been for me if I had killed myself. I surely would’ve never, ever had another chance to feel God’s love drawing me again. I would’ve lost my last chance. Choosing to make Jesus my Master has been the best choice I have ever made. I’m glad I’m still here to be the mother that God made me to be for my kids. I’m grateful to be singing for Him and telling others about Him every chance I get. I’m looking forward to seeing the Face of Jesus, the One who died to set me free from my sins, He set me free from eternal damnation and has set me free from myself! All Glory, Honor and Power be to Him forever and ever! Amen!

If you have any questions or have prayer requests, please leave them in the comments box. Even if you just want to say how this site blessed you, please feel free to comment! Thank you for listening!

All For Jesus,
Rev. GM