I wanted to start out by sharing my testimony of how I came to know Jesus Christ. How I know He is GOD and is alive, living in me. His life works in me and through me.
GOD has delivered me from a painful childhood...GOD has delivered me from later mistakes that reflected upon that painful childhood. For so long I was stuck in the past. I couldn’t move forward. I was trying to live life as that lost, lonely, hurting little girl. The things I suffered as a child deeply affected me. Yet there was always something or Someone preserving me through it. I was a very sensitive kid and everything affected me more than most. Now, God uses that sensitivity to feel the pain of others and I thank Him for it.
Before surrendering my life to Jesus Christ, I have made many, many stupid choices, which had very painful consequences. Nevertheless, GOD redeemed them all. It all didn’t happen overnight. Healing is a long, uncomfortable process. I found out the hard way, that the process is much easier when Jesus Christ is our Lord, not only our Savior. Then, when we have fully yielded to Him, we can go forward in our recovery as the person God destined us to be.
I know I am still a work in progress. Yet I remember how far He has brought me! I choose to keep my focus on being totally remade in His image. I can never give up! I know I am not the only one that has had a troubled childhood. Yet how many of us are still re-living the pain of it? How many of us are still trying to be understood? How many of us are still struggling to fill a void in our life with earthly relationships instead of a relationship with Our Creator?
With everything I have been through, comes thankfullness to God. He is the One Who has brought me through many deep and troubled waters and I am grateful to Him. He did for me what I could not do for myself. He has given me Beautiful Grace for Ashes of Despair. For it is only by His Beautiful Grace that I can minister to the child that has been abused physically and emotionally. It is only by Beautiful Grace that I can minister to the parent who has abused their child. It is because I once was that abuser. GOD has brought me from hurting my own child, to someone He can use to heal a child. The Lord Jesus has changed me completely and exchanged the hands that caused so much pain to hands that heal and comfort.
Therefore, it is by the Beautiful Grace of God that I can reach out and touch those who have made a mess of their life and are ready to give up. It’s by Beautiful Grace that I can understand where the angry, the condemned, and the fearful persons are coming from. It’s by Beautiful Grace that I can understand self-loathing and suicide as a way out. By the Beautiful Grace of God, I can be there for a woman who is abused by her husband.
God has given me a heart for the lonely, the outcast and the forgotten. He has given me a heart for the alcoholic, the drug abuser, the rebellious teenager and the one bound by sexual immorality. God has given me a heart for every single one of these I have mentioned because I was once like all of them.
It was in a jail cell in 1987 where I said “yes” to Jesus Christ, answering the wooing of His gentle love. I was in jail for child endangerment. Another cellmate led me to the Lord. She was in there because of a ticket! I know God sent her there for me. At that time, I was pregnant with my second child. All I wanted to do was die. That was the only way I thought I could help my children. I thought I could save them from my bad temper. But when this woman started to speak to me about Jesus, I felt an overwhelming warmth and peace come over me. It felt like being snuggled by my Grandma’s hugs. Suddenly I could see exactly what He was trying to say to me all the time. I felt His presence again and this time I did not want to lose it! I knew that He was my only hope. So, I came running to Him. I have never regretted my decision to follow Him since.
Some years before, at the age of 14, I kept running away from my father’s home because I couldn’t take the turmoil there anymore. I wanted something better for my life and my two brothers. Since I refused to go home, I became a ward of the court and was placed into foster care. It was at my second foster home that I started going to church. Although I was raised in the Mormon Church, this one was different. Being 14 and hardheaded, I was told that if I agreed to live in in my new foster home, going to church on Sunday was mandatory. At first, I didn’t like it, but soon I didn’t mind and sometimes even looked forward to it. I got a kick out of the Pastor. I tolerated it all mostly because I could sleep through the services. This was something I could never do in a Mormon Church! Flo, my foster mother at the time, just let me doze. She’d say, “I know the Word of God will get into her spirit.”
Of course, I had to wake up at the end of the service and there was an altar call every time. I dreaded THAT part. You know that mushy feeling that I mentioned before? The one that felt like Grandma was hugging me? Well, it was at that church when I was 14, that I first felt the presence of God. It was God’s love drawing me to Him but I couldn’t go. I didn’t understand. It felt like something I needed but I felt more as if I needed to be in control. I felt that same feeling at times with Flo and Mike, my foster dad, but it was stronger at the church altar calls. I didn’t like the peace or the lovey dovey feeling that came whenever they had the altar call. It felt like if I gave in, I’d suddenly be undone and lose control over myself and that simply wasn’t gonna happen! I had rebellion in my heart.
Flo had a gift to sing and when she sang, God’s presence was there. She sang the gospel and used to go to different churches to sing and to minister. Funny thing is that I felt that same mushy feeling at almost every church! Not only that, people at those churches would come up to meet Flo and sometimes would turn to me and say things like “God has a calling for your life.” That startled me…I was beginning to believe it was true in my heart of hearts, but I still could not accept it. Finally, at 17, I ran away from my foster home…a place where I had some stability, a Dad and a Mom, and lots of love. There were things I was doing like partying, listening to Heavy Metal music…but that wasn’t enough for me.
I decided there was more out there for me and I was gonna try it….so I ran away and they let me go.
Being 17, I was still in the foster system so they sent me to another home in another city, in a bad part of town. A Christian home but a lot less “strict”. Soon after I moved in, I was taking a walk alone somewhere and I could feel the presence of God (that mushy feeling) well, I became angry and verbally spoke something like this: “LEAVE ME ALONE. I know You’re calling me but I’m not ready. There are things I wanna do. I’m not ready to serve You now.” At that, His presence was gone. I no longer felt that wooing anymore. I was relieved and promptly began doing the very things I wanted to do and more. My troubles became worse and worse. I tried to pull myself up out of hard times…but I never had the strength to do it alone. I called home once or twice and yes, they came to my rescue but soon, I was back doing my own thing.
Every time I left home, things got worse and worse. My life spiraled out of control to the point where I was in the darkest place I had ever been…in a jail cell. I was pregnant with my second child. My 1 year old was with her grandmother. I felt like I didn’t deserve her. I felt like a horrible monster….like I was warped and permanently marred. I felt like she deserved a better mother. But I was so out of control, I could see no way out. If it weren’t for the life inside of me, I truly would have taken my own. I believe God planned it like that. He knew I needed to get to my lowest point in order to see my need for Him. I needed to surrender my pride and admit that I needed His Love.
From the moment I said “Yes” to Jesus Christ as my Savior, my life started to change. I was released from jail within a week. The judge heard my testimony and because I was the one who actually turned myself in for child abuse, she let me go on the grounds that I was to pay a fine. I was also ordered to go to counseling and do community service for six months. About two weeks after being released from jail, GOD released me from paying the fine, going to counseling and community service. My baby was returned to me and the physical abuse stopped yet I wasn't perfect. I still had issues that took time to be worked out. I was hungry for the Word, so I began reading the Bible I got from jail. I read it all day, everyday. The more I read, the more I learned and the more I was changing.
I used to have nightmares all the time. However, when I became born again, they were gone. Except for one, after I became a Christian. I’m only sharing it to illustrate that Satan is real too. He is the enemy of our souls. One should not underestimate him. Once you make Jesus Christ your Master, Satan will suddenly come at you in hopes of you giving up and turning your back on the Lord. No matter what the circumstances that surround you, if you are a Child of the Most High, to you he is a DEFEATED foe!
This is the dream I had. I still remember it clearly: I was alone on a stormy night looking for shelter. I found this large, old, abandoned farmhouse and ran into it. There was a huge fireplace and a great hot fire was going. There was a comfortable old couch with some blankets on it. I curled up and felt at peace. Just as I began to fall asleep there in safety, suddenly the thunder outside grew louder and the storm outside became fierce. I made sure all the windows were closed but the storm was raging so I ran back to the couch and began to grow fearful. Then, with a very loud crash of thunder, the fire went out and a large bolt of lighting came through the fireplace. An angry voice came from it saying: “I WILL NEVER LET YOU GO!”
Well, I'm here to testify that ever since I had that dream, GOD has never let me go! Satan only meant to scare me. What the enemy of my soul meant for evil, the Lover of my soul turned around for Good! Now God speaks to me through my dreams and shows me many things about Himself. Satan can no longer torment me through them because he is no longer my master.
Since becoming a Christian, my life hasn’t been a bowl of peaches and cream. It has been hard and there have been many struggles. As long as I stay close to Him, I am safe. Whenever I want to do things my way, I’m in trouble. Nevertheless, He is always forgiving and merciful and He is always there to pick me up again and set my feet back on that firm foundation. The Christian life comes with new challenges as you learn to walk in the path of righteousness. There are many tests and trials, but they all are designed to make us stronger and stronger. Pretty soon, we begin to see a difference in ourselves and so can others.
Yes, there has been a long process of undoing the past…along with bad choices come unpleasant consequences. Yet GOD in His Grace is able to help us while dealing with them. I thank God for my troubles now because I understand that they are for my good and the good of others. I know He will deliver me out of them ALL and use me to comfort another. He is still faithful when things aren’t going our way and yes, He still loves us and has not left us! Being a Christian will never be easy but it is worth it! I would never go back to doing things my way. As you have read, it wasn’t working for me.
I share these things with you in hopes that you will gain the courage, in spite of everything, to put your trust in Jesus Christ and accept His Love! Accept Him as Savior and Lord! He will be the best Friend you've ever had.
If you are a Christian and are weary, I encourage you to come to Jesus with all your stuff and drop it on His Lap. He loves you just how you are and wants to carry you through. Never give up on the One who gave it all for you!
As bad as my life was it was not as bad as Hell would’ve been for me if I had killed myself. I surely would’ve never, ever had another chance to feel God’s love drawing me again. I would’ve lost my last chance. Choosing to make Jesus my Master has been the best choice I have ever made. I’m glad I’m still here to be the mother that God made me to be for my kids. I’m grateful to be singing for Him and telling others about Him every chance I get. I’m looking forward to seeing the Face of Jesus, the One who died to set me free from my sins, He set me free from eternal damnation and has set me free from myself! All Glory, Honor and Power be to Him forever and ever! Amen!
If you have any questions, comments or prayer requests, please feel free to leave them in the comments box. Thank you for listening!
All For Jesus,
Rev. GM
GOD has delivered me from a painful childhood...GOD has delivered me from later mistakes that reflected upon that painful childhood. For so long I was stuck in the past. I couldn’t move forward. I was trying to live life as that lost, lonely, hurting little girl. The things I suffered as a child deeply affected me. Yet there was always something or Someone preserving me through it. I was a very sensitive kid and everything affected me more than most. Now, God uses that sensitivity to feel the pain of others and I thank Him for it.
Before surrendering my life to Jesus Christ, I have made many, many stupid choices, which had very painful consequences. Nevertheless, GOD redeemed them all. It all didn’t happen overnight. Healing is a long, uncomfortable process. I found out the hard way, that the process is much easier when Jesus Christ is our Lord, not only our Savior. Then, when we have fully yielded to Him, we can go forward in our recovery as the person God destined us to be.
I know I am still a work in progress. Yet I remember how far He has brought me! I choose to keep my focus on being totally remade in His image. I can never give up! I know I am not the only one that has had a troubled childhood. Yet how many of us are still re-living the pain of it? How many of us are still trying to be understood? How many of us are still struggling to fill a void in our life with earthly relationships instead of a relationship with Our Creator?
With everything I have been through, comes thankfullness to God. He is the One Who has brought me through many deep and troubled waters and I am grateful to Him. He did for me what I could not do for myself. He has given me Beautiful Grace for Ashes of Despair. For it is only by His Beautiful Grace that I can minister to the child that has been abused physically and emotionally. It is only by Beautiful Grace that I can minister to the parent who has abused their child. It is because I once was that abuser. GOD has brought me from hurting my own child, to someone He can use to heal a child. The Lord Jesus has changed me completely and exchanged the hands that caused so much pain to hands that heal and comfort.
Therefore, it is by the Beautiful Grace of God that I can reach out and touch those who have made a mess of their life and are ready to give up. It’s by Beautiful Grace that I can understand where the angry, the condemned, and the fearful persons are coming from. It’s by Beautiful Grace that I can understand self-loathing and suicide as a way out. By the Beautiful Grace of God, I can be there for a woman who is abused by her husband.
God has given me a heart for the lonely, the outcast and the forgotten. He has given me a heart for the alcoholic, the drug abuser, the rebellious teenager and the one bound by sexual immorality. God has given me a heart for every single one of these I have mentioned because I was once like all of them.
It was in a jail cell in 1987 where I said “yes” to Jesus Christ, answering the wooing of His gentle love. I was in jail for child endangerment. Another cellmate led me to the Lord. She was in there because of a ticket! I know God sent her there for me. At that time, I was pregnant with my second child. All I wanted to do was die. That was the only way I thought I could help my children. I thought I could save them from my bad temper. But when this woman started to speak to me about Jesus, I felt an overwhelming warmth and peace come over me. It felt like being snuggled by my Grandma’s hugs. Suddenly I could see exactly what He was trying to say to me all the time. I felt His presence again and this time I did not want to lose it! I knew that He was my only hope. So, I came running to Him. I have never regretted my decision to follow Him since.
Some years before, at the age of 14, I kept running away from my father’s home because I couldn’t take the turmoil there anymore. I wanted something better for my life and my two brothers. Since I refused to go home, I became a ward of the court and was placed into foster care. It was at my second foster home that I started going to church. Although I was raised in the Mormon Church, this one was different. Being 14 and hardheaded, I was told that if I agreed to live in in my new foster home, going to church on Sunday was mandatory. At first, I didn’t like it, but soon I didn’t mind and sometimes even looked forward to it. I got a kick out of the Pastor. I tolerated it all mostly because I could sleep through the services. This was something I could never do in a Mormon Church! Flo, my foster mother at the time, just let me doze. She’d say, “I know the Word of God will get into her spirit.”
Of course, I had to wake up at the end of the service and there was an altar call every time. I dreaded THAT part. You know that mushy feeling that I mentioned before? The one that felt like Grandma was hugging me? Well, it was at that church when I was 14, that I first felt the presence of God. It was God’s love drawing me to Him but I couldn’t go. I didn’t understand. It felt like something I needed but I felt more as if I needed to be in control. I felt that same feeling at times with Flo and Mike, my foster dad, but it was stronger at the church altar calls. I didn’t like the peace or the lovey dovey feeling that came whenever they had the altar call. It felt like if I gave in, I’d suddenly be undone and lose control over myself and that simply wasn’t gonna happen! I had rebellion in my heart.
Flo had a gift to sing and when she sang, God’s presence was there. She sang the gospel and used to go to different churches to sing and to minister. Funny thing is that I felt that same mushy feeling at almost every church! Not only that, people at those churches would come up to meet Flo and sometimes would turn to me and say things like “God has a calling for your life.” That startled me…I was beginning to believe it was true in my heart of hearts, but I still could not accept it. Finally, at 17, I ran away from my foster home…a place where I had some stability, a Dad and a Mom, and lots of love. There were things I was doing like partying, listening to Heavy Metal music…but that wasn’t enough for me.
I decided there was more out there for me and I was gonna try it….so I ran away and they let me go.
Being 17, I was still in the foster system so they sent me to another home in another city, in a bad part of town. A Christian home but a lot less “strict”. Soon after I moved in, I was taking a walk alone somewhere and I could feel the presence of God (that mushy feeling) well, I became angry and verbally spoke something like this: “LEAVE ME ALONE. I know You’re calling me but I’m not ready. There are things I wanna do. I’m not ready to serve You now.” At that, His presence was gone. I no longer felt that wooing anymore. I was relieved and promptly began doing the very things I wanted to do and more. My troubles became worse and worse. I tried to pull myself up out of hard times…but I never had the strength to do it alone. I called home once or twice and yes, they came to my rescue but soon, I was back doing my own thing.
Every time I left home, things got worse and worse. My life spiraled out of control to the point where I was in the darkest place I had ever been…in a jail cell. I was pregnant with my second child. My 1 year old was with her grandmother. I felt like I didn’t deserve her. I felt like a horrible monster….like I was warped and permanently marred. I felt like she deserved a better mother. But I was so out of control, I could see no way out. If it weren’t for the life inside of me, I truly would have taken my own. I believe God planned it like that. He knew I needed to get to my lowest point in order to see my need for Him. I needed to surrender my pride and admit that I needed His Love.
From the moment I said “Yes” to Jesus Christ as my Savior, my life started to change. I was released from jail within a week. The judge heard my testimony and because I was the one who actually turned myself in for child abuse, she let me go on the grounds that I was to pay a fine. I was also ordered to go to counseling and do community service for six months. About two weeks after being released from jail, GOD released me from paying the fine, going to counseling and community service. My baby was returned to me and the physical abuse stopped yet I wasn't perfect. I still had issues that took time to be worked out. I was hungry for the Word, so I began reading the Bible I got from jail. I read it all day, everyday. The more I read, the more I learned and the more I was changing.
I used to have nightmares all the time. However, when I became born again, they were gone. Except for one, after I became a Christian. I’m only sharing it to illustrate that Satan is real too. He is the enemy of our souls. One should not underestimate him. Once you make Jesus Christ your Master, Satan will suddenly come at you in hopes of you giving up and turning your back on the Lord. No matter what the circumstances that surround you, if you are a Child of the Most High, to you he is a DEFEATED foe!
This is the dream I had. I still remember it clearly: I was alone on a stormy night looking for shelter. I found this large, old, abandoned farmhouse and ran into it. There was a huge fireplace and a great hot fire was going. There was a comfortable old couch with some blankets on it. I curled up and felt at peace. Just as I began to fall asleep there in safety, suddenly the thunder outside grew louder and the storm outside became fierce. I made sure all the windows were closed but the storm was raging so I ran back to the couch and began to grow fearful. Then, with a very loud crash of thunder, the fire went out and a large bolt of lighting came through the fireplace. An angry voice came from it saying: “I WILL NEVER LET YOU GO!”
Well, I'm here to testify that ever since I had that dream, GOD has never let me go! Satan only meant to scare me. What the enemy of my soul meant for evil, the Lover of my soul turned around for Good! Now God speaks to me through my dreams and shows me many things about Himself. Satan can no longer torment me through them because he is no longer my master.
Since becoming a Christian, my life hasn’t been a bowl of peaches and cream. It has been hard and there have been many struggles. As long as I stay close to Him, I am safe. Whenever I want to do things my way, I’m in trouble. Nevertheless, He is always forgiving and merciful and He is always there to pick me up again and set my feet back on that firm foundation. The Christian life comes with new challenges as you learn to walk in the path of righteousness. There are many tests and trials, but they all are designed to make us stronger and stronger. Pretty soon, we begin to see a difference in ourselves and so can others.
Yes, there has been a long process of undoing the past…along with bad choices come unpleasant consequences. Yet GOD in His Grace is able to help us while dealing with them. I thank God for my troubles now because I understand that they are for my good and the good of others. I know He will deliver me out of them ALL and use me to comfort another. He is still faithful when things aren’t going our way and yes, He still loves us and has not left us! Being a Christian will never be easy but it is worth it! I would never go back to doing things my way. As you have read, it wasn’t working for me.
I share these things with you in hopes that you will gain the courage, in spite of everything, to put your trust in Jesus Christ and accept His Love! Accept Him as Savior and Lord! He will be the best Friend you've ever had.
If you are a Christian and are weary, I encourage you to come to Jesus with all your stuff and drop it on His Lap. He loves you just how you are and wants to carry you through. Never give up on the One who gave it all for you!
As bad as my life was it was not as bad as Hell would’ve been for me if I had killed myself. I surely would’ve never, ever had another chance to feel God’s love drawing me again. I would’ve lost my last chance. Choosing to make Jesus my Master has been the best choice I have ever made. I’m glad I’m still here to be the mother that God made me to be for my kids. I’m grateful to be singing for Him and telling others about Him every chance I get. I’m looking forward to seeing the Face of Jesus, the One who died to set me free from my sins, He set me free from eternal damnation and has set me free from myself! All Glory, Honor and Power be to Him forever and ever! Amen!
If you have any questions, comments or prayer requests, please feel free to leave them in the comments box. Thank you for listening!
All For Jesus,
Rev. GM
